08.11.02 � 4:45 pm

My mind has been swimming again since yesterday. Inadequacy. Doubt. Fear. Sadness.

Everytime I sat down to write something here about how I've been feeling, I've stopped. People that know me actually read this. Do I want people to see me as a week insecure little girl? No. So I avoid REALLY discussing the things that truly affect me. But here's the flaw in that...this is my DIARY.

Regardless of who reads it or what people think of me afterwards, these are supposed to be MY thoughts. This is my way of dealing. So now I find that something I created as a means of therapy so-to-speak, has become completely inaffective because I'm afraid to use it. If you can't be truthful in your diary, where CAN you be truthful?

I haven't seen Todd since Monday. He's been sick, I guess and I've had school. Yesterday he called me at work and was wishy washy about making any sort of a definite plan for last night. Kept saying he didn't want to get Brianna and I sick. Maybe that's the truth, I don't know. But the point is that I spent most of last night wondering if he was lying to me. Maybe he's met someone new. Maybe he just doens't want to be around me as much and is sparing my feelings.

I can't help the insecurity. Just a week or so ago, I wouldn't have cared. Something in the last week has changed me and all of a sudden I feel like I have something to lose.

This scares me.

I very very much want to lose myself in him. But what price does that carry? I've learned in my past that you can trust NO ONE. Not even the person you make vows for better or worse with. With such a bleak perception of people and things, how can I even TRY at this relationship??

Insecurity bites ass.

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