02.15.03 � 9:17 am

It's Saturday now. Todd is snoring peacefully next to me and I'm already up and showered.

We had a great dinner last night despite the fact that I was truly feeling shitty emotionally. I suppose it wasn't smart then to have 4 Cosmpolitans with dinner. Oh..and to only eat a salad. All through the meal, I kept thinking "I have to break up with him". But then I'd remind myself it's Valentine's Day and I don't want to ruin future holidays for myself by it becoming an anniversary of a painful breakup.

So we came back up to the room and I asked him how he'd feel if we broke up. He said he would be sad. And then he said "are you going to break up with me?" to which I replied, "not tonite, it's valentine's day".

So, this prompted a HUGE talk. I told him everything I feel. I told him that I don't know if he's the "one", but I certainly want to know that's an option. I don't want to be some temporary thing until some better experience comes along. I DESERVE to be permanent. I told him that he needs to learn that in an ideal relationship, you can go places and have experience and reach your goals together. A good partner is someone who helps you do that. Then I said that his viewing of relationships as binding and limiting was hurting us. I told him he was going to lose me.

He told me I was right. He said he doesn't want to lose me and he apologized for ever making me feel temporary. He told me that he felt like we were working towards a future. And that he's never had a relationship like this, so he has to work at understanding that he won't be forfeiting other experiences by being with me. He said mainly he worries because he's not at a place where he can support Brianna and me. Well, I don't need to be supported right now.

He said he loved me and he said "i'm going to do whatever it takes not to lose you"

Now. I fully expected this conversation to go completely opposite of what it did. He surprised me.

I DO love him. I even love all the qualities he has that drive me insane.

Sometimes it sucks to be in love and have all of these uncertainties. It's fucking stressful. (Right, Bexx?) But I feel like he was brought to me for a reason. So as long as we can rationally discuss things and as long as he gives merit to my concerns and as long as he HEARS me and is willing to work to make me happy....well as long as I have all those things, I'm not going anywhere.

Also, the Museum was amazing yesterday. We spent four hours there. We saw 4 Jackson Pollock paintings. That was a definite surprise. We saw a lot of Matisse and Picasso. I bought a poster of one of the Picassos we saw. "Harlequin and her Companion", I think is what it's called. As soon as we get home, I'm geting it framed and it's going in my dining room.

I'm hungry. I guess I should go order some breakfast. We're leaving today and heading to the beach. We're only spending one night and we'll be home Sunday.

I only brought my laptop because my Accounting professor is supposed to email us our test grades over the weekend and I didn't want to have to wait to find out.

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