10.31.04 � 12:19 am
So, I've been thinking a lot lately about various happenings in my life and my complete inability to write about anything important. Maybe it's the fact that this is essentially a PUBLIC forum, but I tend to write about the most mundane shit.
So here I am...about to embark on this LIFE CHANGING journey, and I've not written one fucking thing about it.
Why? Because I'm humiliated by it.
But as time has gone by and with all the emotions I've gone through in the planning of things I've thought how much I desire to have this all down on paper. I want to remember how this feels. I want all the pain of the last ten years to disappear. And maybe writing it all out for the whole world to read will do the trick. Maybe being honest and not scared and NOT hiding will somehow cleanse things?
Monday morning I am having gastric bypass surgery. There. I said it.
I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm hopeful.
I can hardly remember what it's like to be thin. What I DO remember is that there used to be a time when I wasn't embarrassed by the sight of my own body.
I could make all the excuses in the world for why I have spent the past ten years struggling with my weight, but what difference would it make? The point is that I'm miserable. I've been miserable for a long time. I'm sick of feeling ugly ALL THE TIME.
And yeah...I'm married to the most amazing man. And he fell in love with me just as I am today. And I have a lot of friends. And they love me too. And Brianna and my family. I mean, yeah I'm loved. But I don't love myself. Not like this. And so all the love in the world is not enough.
And so I started pursuing this surgery last year. And here we are.
Two days. I'm so scared. What will life be like?
Some before pictures....
I'll be in the hospital until Thursday or Friday.
See ya on the other side..