08.29.02 � 6:54 am

You know how when you have a bad dream about someone, you wake up feeling like shit? Yeah, well that's me.

I had a bad dream about Chris. Not a nightmare or anything. But still left me feeling weird. Basically, I was trying to talk to him and I was mad because he's never ever available when I call and he never returns messages. He told me that he didn't have to be accessible to me anymore. Then he just starts walking away and I'm livid. Running after him. I'm not done talking to him. I run for what seems like miles and when I find him, he's driving out of the parking lot. I stop and scream and wave frantically. Then I notice that Kim is in the car with him. I wish I hadn't acted that way in front of her. They both get out of the car and approach me. I start talking and he cuts me off and then Kim says "Let ME talk to her". I'm trying to explain myself. That I wasn't done talking and he's so hard to get a hold of and blah blah and she keeps interrupting me. The entire time we're standing there, he's got his arms around her and she keeps kissing him they keep saying "i love you".

I guess it doesn't sound all that bad when I type it out. But motherfuck, it left me with a wretched feeling. Why me, anyway? We've been divorced 3 years!

Why does my mind tease me like this?

I DON'T miss him. He's become an incredible asshole. BUT...when I have dreams like this, I get all nostalgic for him and my first instinct is to call him and be comforted. But I can't do that.

I'll just have to wait out this horrible feeling.

Today is Todd's birthday. He's 30. I bought him our tickets to the Austin City Limits Music Festival. I also found him a Bob Dylan cd he'd been looking for. We're going out tomorrow to celebrate since I have school tonite. He says he wants to go to "our restaurant" which is this yummy Italian place that we went to on our first date. I think I'm going to buy a really elaborate dessert and some wine and have that waiting at home for after dinner. I don't know. I just really want to make it a special night.

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