12.03.02 � 9:11 pm

So....as hard as it may be to believe, I'm NOT perfect. Wanna know what my thing is? NEVER ever speaking my mind. NEVER standing up for myself. NEVER admitting when something is bothering me.

When something bothers me, I'm more concerned with keeping the peace and avoiding conflict. But it's not like I'm unaffected. Shit bothers me. It festers. Bottom line: I suffer. But it never changes. I don't know HOW to be different. The anxiety of being honest about things that upset me is tremendous. Lately I'd decided to make an effort to start speaking up. To tell someone when they've made me mad. But it amazes me how, even today when the opportunity came up, instead of saying "yeah, i'm mad", I find myself saying "No, really I'm fine".

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I mean, I'm aware of my problem. Why is it so impossible to change???

ANYWAY....today was my day off and I did a shitload of Christmas shopping. Derek took me to lunch and we had a great time just hanging out and talking. Spent some time with Todd. We were cuddling on the couch, reading the Eddie Bauer catalog (yes, we're THOSE people)and he was giving me this odd look. And I said, "what? why are you looking at me like that?" and he said "I. Love. You".

I will never ever get tired of hearing that.

Also, that girl Arissa on The Real World talks like a robot.

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