11.10.04 � 7:24 am

Okay, so I left off on the first day that was a very painful morphine-induced blur...

I was on oxygen and connected to a machine that was reading my heart rate and the oxygen saturation of my blood. Every time my oxygen saturation would get too low, a very loud, very annoying alarm would go off on the machine and at the nurse's station. Apparently the morphine makes your breathing more relaxed and every single time I would nod off...the bloody alarm would sound. At first it was an annoyance, but as the night came we were told it was very serious and several different frantic nurses kept coming in the room. They even had three people from Respiratory Therapy come in. I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep. I ended up having to sleep with an oxygen tent while sitting up in a chair. Clearly, not one of the best nights I've ever had.

Because of the breathing thing, by Day 2 I swore off the morphine and relied solely on Darvocet and Toradol injections. The pain, I tell you, was motherfucking excruciating. Anyone who says I took the easy way out can kiss my shrinking ass.

So, I spent five days in the hospital and came home on Friday. Now it's Wednesday and I feel SO much better. The pain is still there and I'm very aware of it whenever I get out of bed or off the sofa. Otherwise, it's manageable. I haven't taken a pain pill in 36 hours. I didn't like how tired they made me.

I'm hardly eating anything and dealing with extremely strong cravings. I guess I didn't know the extent of my food addiction, but EVERYTHING I see on tv looks good. It's hard. Harder than I could have imagined. But, I know as time goes by, the cravings will cease and I won't feel so freakin deprived. Right now I'm hardly eating anything. And by that I mean...yesterday I had 1/2 cup of Carb Control Vanilla Yogurt and 1/4 cup of split pea soup.

That's it.

I know I'm losing weight. I can feel it. But I'm waiting until my appointment with the doctor on the 17th to find out how much. I think once I see that the pounds are coming off, I'll be much more motivated.

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