10.05.02 � 4:47 pm

So, I have this issue with the "L" word. I know I've said freely on here that I love Todd, but I've never told him. There was that one drunken night on his birthday, but he said it and I didn't say it back. Neither one of us have brought it up since. It's funny. I wouldn't peg myself as such a chickenshit. But it's obvious I am. There have many instances that I felt overwhelmed and came awfully close to telling him how I feel, but every time I freak out and say nothing. So last weekend in Austin, we were just having such a great time. I wanted him to know. But as hard as I tried, I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth. Sooo..while he was in the shower I wrote it. I wrote it in his notebook that he carries with him everywhere. I wrote:

"I love you. 10/28/02 10:19pm"

I know it seems trivial. But even writing those words was a huge deal for me. Anyway, last night we went out with Jenny and Sarah and Ryan and all the boys. We had an excellent night. Drank and laughed. Played pool and talked. About 2:30 we were back at my apartment and just kinda laying on the bed and hugging and he was telling me that I am very important to him and he cares about me a great deal and blah blah. In my head I was disappointed. I wanted him to tell me he loved me. It just seemed like the right moment. I felt like the fact that he was saying he cared about me was equal to "I like you a lot. But I don't love you" So, in my head I'm sulking, you know. But I'm not saying anything to him. I'm just laying there with my eyes closed. And then he says:

"I got your note."

This was followed by about 30 seconds of silence in which I swear my heart was in my throat. All of a sudden I was panicky and scared. And then he said:

"I love you too"

So, I was brave and strong and I said it too. Only I said it in such a tiny voice he could barely hear it. He made me say it again. And again.

And I'll tell you, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm amazed by how he makes me feel. I thought I would never feel this kind of love and security again.

Speaking of love and security, Brianna got her first big girl report card on Thursday. I guess in 2nd grade they stop doing the baby report cards with just plus and minus signs. Anyway, my baby made the honor roll!!!! I can't even tell you how proud I am. She's so smart and funny. It just astounds me sometimes. She's growing up so quickly.

My grandpa is still in the hospital. I went and saw him today, which was a major ordeal. He's in an air force hospital and in order for me to get on base, I had to go to the visitor's center and get a visitor's pass. That took 30 minutes. I understand and appreciate the need for the increased security, but shit, it took forever.

Ummm, what else? Tonite we're barbecuing at Jen and Jason's. Jenny and I have decided that after the beer starts flowing, we're going to get a mean game of Cranium goin on. Holy shit, we're old.

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