01.16.04 � 5:33 pm

Lots to report and I'm sure all two of you that probably read my diary will be thrilled to know it's not about Todd or the wedding.

My grandfather has been very ill. It comes and goes and mostly he suffers and doesn't tell anyone because he doesn't want to give up his independence or have anyone fussing over him. A couple months ago it was discovered that on top of all of his serious illnesses, he had a tumor on his adrenal gland that needed to be removed and biopsied. His cardiologist would not give him clearance for the surgery and during all the tests they do in order to get you approved for the operating room, they found that he was in need of yet another heart surgery. So, he had that done. And let me tell you, everytime he has an operation, we wonder if it will be the one that does him in. He's 80, you know, and not doing so well. Anyway, since the heart surgery, he's been saying troubling things such as, "I've had a good life. I'm ready to die." and "This will be my last Christmas. I won't be here next year." These aren't comforting things to hear when you are about to put this person through serious abdominal surgery. My grandparents are stubborn, though, and so he had the tumor removed on Monday. He's been in the hospital since and, to be honest, not really getting much attention from any hospital staff. It's like they stuck him at the end of the hall and every once in awhile someone comes in to take his blood pressure and that's it. Last night we went to see him and he's not good. He lays in bed and does nothing yet he's gasping for air. I'm telling you, it was heart-wrenching to see. Today my aunt called and said that they discharged him. What?!! The doctor apparently came in and said "We need your room. You're fine. You can either go to a nursing home or go home".

So here we are. I can't help but feel that they see my grandfather and know he's dying and just figure they'll give their care to people who REALLY need it. But I don't want my grandfather to die and so I have all these emotions and I don't know what to do about them. It's so difficult to see someone that used to take care of YOU be so freakin helpless. Almost infantile.

THEN...in another note, I'm having all this drama with Chris. He's in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend and therefore having violent arguments all the time, even when Brianna is there. She told me that the last time she was there, Kim said "get your fucking daughter and get out of my house!" Uh? What? I don't think so.

So I had lunch with Chris today in order to discuss all these things and to sort of lay down the law about what is acceptable and what isn't. It seems irritating to me that we even need to have this discussion because shouldn't he already KNOW what is unacceptable??? Regardless, being in the same room with him stresses me out and so now that we've talked, I feel the need for a huge beer. But...likely we'll just go to dinner and see Big Fish.

Maybe that will relax me.

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